You want what you want because you think that, in having it, you will feel a certain way.
You want love so that you can feel loved and cherished and nurtured and connected.
You want love so that you can share your life with someone and feel seen and understood, so you can feel supported and protected.
You could be in a partnership that does not inspire these feelings in you.
So, in the end, you want, first to be happy, connected, joyous, secure and lovable and THEN meet and be with someone who not only reflects those back to you, but lives by them as well.
You CAN have these feelings right now, even without a partner or without the cooperation of your partner!
You can feel intimacy, connection, joy, partnership in many, many ways. Simply contemplating these emotions will evoke them in you. You will literally start feeling them in your body.
But How Do I Feel Good About Love When, Right Now, It Sort of Hurts?
The short answer is that you can’t.
You can’t look at something that feels uncomfortable and slap a “happy” sticker on it.
This is why all the visualizations and affirmations in the world will not work.
It’s like trying to add a Mac piece of software on a Windows computer.
You are trying to force-install “joyously together” when you feel “very much alone”, “scared” and “worried that I will never receive it.”
What you do, instead, is take those feelings of “joy” and “togetherness” and look for them somewhere else.
Joy abounds in the world – and in your life, I’m sure. It is in the chirping of birds. In the playing of children. In friends sharing a meal. That is where togetherness is too.
By extracting the feelings that make up “love” for you and looking for them everywhere you can, you will literally re-write your internal software.
In time (and, if you do this consistently, it’s less time than you think) you will wake up one day to discover that your life has transformed on these new foundations.
Imagine waking up depressed and unhappy. Your hair dryer stops working. Traffic is horrible. You get to work in a bad mood. Your boss had a fight with his wife and is now nasty to everyone. And so on… to the end of the day when you crash on the bed, exhausted, only to have to put up with loud music from the neighbors.
Now let’s take the same scenario and apply “good feelings” to it:
Imagine waking up giggly and full of energy. Your hair dryer stops working so you shrug and say “Oh, it was time to buy a new one anyway. It will be fun to go shopping!”. The freeway is pretty jammed but you turn up the music and sing at the top of your lungs so by the time you get to your office you are pretty jazzed. Your gnarly boss comes out of his office, screaming but you make a run for the restroom and send a fun, gossipy text about him to your best friend. And so on… to the end of the day when you plop yourself on the bed with a good book, sighing with content. And if the neighbors start playing their loud music, you put on your headset and watch a great movie instead.
What do you think? Is it doable? Of course it is.
What is the difference between the first and the second day? THE WAY YOU FEEL.
What does this have to do with love?
By stretching your good feelings muscles you will start to consistently feel good. You will become much better at handling anxiety – which will diminish anyway. You will see opportunities to go places and meet people. You will try new things.
Your life will shift.
And then, with this new strength, you will be able to look at love with different eyes.
You won’t have that knot in your stomach from seeing yourself as single, miserable and waiting, because you will shift to single, excited and getting ready.
You won’t see yourself as “miserable in an unhappy relationship” but “challenged to stretch my capacity for wisdom”.
Feeling good simply works.
“If I had love, I’d feel adored and adoring.”
When I love profoundly, that feeling stretches easily into adoration. I feel it for and from my partner.
Being in love makes you also adore the world. Not all of it, to be sure… but a lot of it.
Adoration is at the very core of love.
Adoration is in…
A mother looking at her newborn.
A hiker staring at the top of a snow-capped mountain.
Long-lost friends finding each other again.
Melting chocolate exploding on your taste buds.
A happy couple looking at each other across the table on their wedding day.
Grandparents watching their grandchildren running around in their garden.
Teenagers screaming at a concert of their favorite band.
A little boy receiving his first bike – or his first dog.
A little girl with her favorite doll.
A parent watching their child taking a stand for themselves.
Dolphins jumping in the water.
Where does adoration show itself around you? And to you?